


Forgiveness

by Layni1771



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Molestation, Romance, Serious, Serious Talks, Social Anxiety, and seungmin needs to finally tell changbin, basically they're boyfriends, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 07:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15480948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: "It doesn't work like that," Seungmin shakes his head and sips on his strawberry cream frappuccino like Changbin's whole world isn't collapsing around him, "You have to forgive. It's the only way to move on."





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> I had a short phase where I really liked strawberry cream things, sue me.  
> Anyway, this fic obviously touches on heavy subjects. It's short and direct, and based entirely on my own experience except I don't have a boyfriend to tell. The way things are dealt with in this fic may not be the correct way for everyone, so please keep that in mind. This is just, personally, how I chose to deal with what could be a potential trauma. It's easier said than done, but don't allow sexual abuse or assault to control your life. You are more than your experiences, and more than a victim. You are you.  
> As always, not proofread. :)

Changbin knows there is something darker that lingers in Seungmin's past. He knows because he has always seen it in his boyfriend's warm but shadowed eyes and his body language. It is sort of like he is always waiting for the pin to drop, or whatever the expression is. He seems to look at other people with a sense of hesitance that is so inherently different from Changbin's own social anxiety. Changbin is _anxious_ to be near people, but Seungmin is almost scared to be. It is just a completely different sense, and for reasons he cannot define, he just _knows_ that unlike his own messed-up brain, the younger has a reason to feel that sort of fear. But Seungmin never brings it up and Changbin respects that. He respects when the redhead asks for space or to let go of his wrist for just a bit. He doesn't necessarily understand _why_ he has to, but he knows it is the right thing to do and that is good enough.

Seungmin is a sort of enigma. His smile is like rays of sunshine, but his words can be as sharp as a razor. His skin is soft like silk, but his attitude can be as rough as sandpaper. He is sour and sweet, spicy and mild, loud and quiet, a puppy and a wolf, all at once. Seungmin is intelligent, well-spoken, sarcastic, and critical. He is everything Changbin never thought he could find for himself, and he is glad he has. He likes going to school in the morning and being greeted with a genuine grin that speaks volumes of happiness, and he feels loved when they sit atop of his bedsheets and share short, sweet kisses. Changbin especially feels cared for when he wakes up after falling asleep on a lazy afternoon to Seungmin inspecting every line of his face while he traces phantom photos on his hand and wrist.

If you ask Changbin what it is about Seungmin that makes him think the words _I love you_ , he won't be sure what to say. They've only been dating for two years now, and there's just that something special about him. Everything about the boy makes him light up inside, and sure, they fight- What couple doesn't? They've argued over Felix being too clingy to Changbin, about where to go on dates, and about things like not taking care of themselves and who gets to pay and falling asleep during the show they're watching together. Those are just things that happen, but somehow Seungmin always starts the ends of their arguments by sighing and saying _I love you_ and maybe that's what makes Changbin feel it. He isn't sure. He just knows he looks into the shadowed eyes of his boyfriend and feels it with everything that he is.

It is spring break when Seungmin texts him that he wants to meet to get coffee- That he has something important to tell him. The words make Changbin instantly nervous, because that's how breakup talks normally start, but before he can even formulate a response Seungmin also sends a text that he wants to go back to his own place after they're done and that _isn't_ normally how breakup talks start. So, Changbin takes deeps breaths and calms down before he hops in the shower, puts on his normal jeans and black hoodie, and leaves his house without a word.

There's no one there, anyway.

At roughly three in the afternoon, Changbin finds himself sitting in a comfy chair across from his boyfriend. They are next to the window, which Seungmin is staring out of. He is nervous- Changbin can see it in the way his eyebrows are drawn and his lips just slightly pursed. He has both hands wrapped around a strawberry cream frappuccino whereas Changbin has chosen a mocha latte. It is deep tasting on his tongue as he observes his boyfriend. He doesn't want to push because whatever is going on is clearly something Seungmin is having reservations about sharing, and the last thing he wants is to make him uncomfortable, but suddenly the redhead turns his sharp gaze on Changbin.

"You won't treat me differently after you hear what I'm going to tell you, right?" His voice is strong but there is a layer of fear and even accusation in it that makes Changbin grind his teeth and start to worry even more. He takes a long drink of his coffee and shakes his head, "I mean it, hyung. I really need to hear you say it."

"I won't," Changbin musters all of his emotions into his voice. He wants there to be no confusion- He refuses to let Seungmin think whatever _this_ is will change anything about how he feels, "You're Seungmin to me, now and always."

Seungmin looks like he's going to ask for reassurance again, but catches himself. He waits until Changbin sets his coffee back down before he speaks words that grate at his eardrums and burn his insides, "I was molested as a kid- But, hyung, it doesn't define who I am or who I will be. Okay? I just, after so long I felt like you should _know_ and-"

"I'm sorry, _what_?" Changbin doesn't mean to interrupt, but there is blood rushing in his ears and he notices his own hands are shaking. He wants to laugh in gratefulness that Seungmin waited for him to put his drink down because if not he knows it would be sloshing everywhere right now. His mind is racing, his heart pounding so harshly that he thinks it's going to crack his ribs because it _hurts_. His heart hurts so damn much right now and it even makes sense. When Changbin thinks of the way that his boyfriend sort of becomes invisible when taller people are around, when he considers how he will never try to make a tight squeeze between people, when he recalls how Seungmin sometimes needs space and asks for Changbin to stop holding his wrist, it makes sense. It's like the missing puzzle piece that completes the image of him, but it's a grotesque puzzle that doesn't look like Seungmin at all.

"Hyung, breathe," Seungmin scolds, leaning forward to trace a soothing pattern into the skin of his shaking palms, "In and out. It's okay, I'm okay. It's in the past."

_But not you. It shouldn't be you._

Changbin wants to shout that to the heavens. Who gave anyone the right to hurt Seungmin like that? Angelic, sassy, sunshine-y Seungmin who makes him feel like he is worth the world? _Not you_ is all he can think, like his mind is the autosuggest of a phone's keyboard. The middle button only suggests _Not you_ and it's making him nauseous. But it is not about Changbin right now, and he looks at Seungmin with a heart that is shattering. He doesn't like how it all fits together. He just _doesn't_ , but the younger can see that he is at least gaining control of his breathing and he sits back. His arms are crossed.

"Is- The one who did it, did they get in trouble?" Changbin forces the words out from aching teeth. He is clenching them too hard.

"No, I never told anyone. Not until years later, but even then, never who. Just that it happened," The shadows in Seungmin eyes are making them murky now, "But it's okay, Changbin hyung. I forgave him a long time ago."

That one is even harder to comprehend, and Changbin splutters, " _Forgave_ him? How could you- _Why_ would you ever- No. You can't. You're, you're supposed to hate him forever or, or something and he gets punished for what he did. That's how it's supposed to go."

Changbin was taught as a child that criminals get punished. Growing up he knows that isn't true, but this time, _just this time_ , why not? Why couldn't the one who hurt the person most precious to him meet the consequences for his actions? But instead of agreeance, the younger gives him a half-smile.

"It doesn't work like that," Seungmin shakes his head and sips on his strawberry cream frappuccino like Changbin's whole world isn't collapsing around him, "You have to forgive. It's the only way to move on."

"But-" He thinks he is forgetting how to breathe again. Tears, heavy, push against his eyes.

"I promise hyung," Seungmin is whispering, looking at him with such a fond expression it sends a shiver through him, "I'm okay now. I just didn't want to hide it from you anymore. He was just a family friend and I don't see him anymore. I was six and he was a stupid teenager. He even said out loud, "I should stop." I was too afraid to tell him that yeah, he should. But it was over a decade ago, and I'm pretty much past it. Sure, I have some habits that I guess he influenced but I don't really...Feel anything towards it all. It's just sort of something that happened and is over now, you know?"

No, Changbin doesn't know. He doesn't know at all and he wipes a hand roughly over his face. Seungmin smiles softly.

"It doesn't bother me. I'm over it but I thought it was unfair for you to stay in the dark," He takes Changbin's hand over the table, and presses a light kiss to the backs of his fingers, "I love you. It's okay, hyung, you don't have to worry about me."

If Changbin doesn't let go of Seungmin when they return to his house, instead burying his face in the younger's shoulder for hours as they watch a couple of movies, no one else will know. Just the two of them is enough.


End file.
